Oh, Snap!
by stress
Summary: AU, horror parody. What would Halloween be without Creepy!Jack, Drag Queen!Race, Vampires!Blink&Mush and one really confused main character? Poor Rae. She didn't really deserve all that...


**Author's Note**: Well, this is really a piece of work. I'm not sure if anyone else will find any humor in this but me (and, Rae: you better laugh. Just humor me). I took great creative license with this but, hey, it's Halloween and I scare easily. It's time to share that with Rae – and everyone else. What would you guys do if this happened to you all? Me, I don't think I'd mind... too much.

Either way, Happy Halloween everyone!

**Disclaimer**: This is a parody and, therefore, should not be taken as anything but. The characters from the 1992 Disney musical, Newsies, belong to Disney – Stress belongs to me. Rae is the property of her awesome self but I steal her occasionally and she is cool with that. I hope :) Love to my Rae-zin!

* * *

**Oh, Snap!**

* * *

Now, Rae Kelly never loved Halloween – in fact, you could say that she hates it with a passion. There was just something about the holiday that rubbed her the wrong way. Maybe it was the way little brats came around to her house and begged for free candy. Or maybe it was because she always woke up that 1st of November to find that her home had been tp'd and coated in eggs.

Or maybe it was because it was on Halloween that she found out that she had somehow gotten married to Jack Kelly…

* * *

Rae was nursing a slight headache – alright, it was pounding, but Rae did not want to admit it; she was not good with hangovers – when she woke up that Halloween. There was a stale taste in her mouth that she had never encountered before (maybe it was because she rarely had hangovers to begin with) and, coupled with her headache, she felt nauseous. "Yuck," she mumbled, keeping her eyes tightly closed. She could tell that it was still too early to get up – she had taken the day off of work and did not want to waste it.

While trying to trick herself into falling back asleep, if only to wake up later feeling much better, Rae wiggled around in her bed. She felt like she was almost hanging over the side of the bed – it was not comfortable. However, as she moved around, she was surprised to feel that she had made contact with another body – and, considering it was not the small and limber shape of Spot Conlon that she was used to, that meant that it was someone that definitely should _not _be in her bed.

Her breath caught in her throat. She tried not to panic.

There was someone else in her bed.

Rae was more awake now than before but she refused to open her eyes. If she confronted the truth, she could not take it back.

She also knew that she could not pretend to be asleep any more. She took a deep breath and turned to face the mystery person in her bed. She lifted one eyelid.

The first thing she saw was that, whoever the mystery person was, they were up close and right in her face. All she could see from that distance was an open brown eye and the patch of skin that surrounded it. Whoever this person was, they were staring at her. Creepy.

If she had not known that it was not Spot just by the person's frame, the eye would have given it all away. Spot's eyes were a brilliant shade of blue, almost a cyan color. This was just brown.

She clamped her eyes shut again. _Who do I know with brown eyes? _

_Oh no. _She didn't really know that many people with brown eyes.

Rae scooted back until she felt like she was going to fall out of the bed. Only then did she sit up and open her eyes again.

Her worst fears were confirmed; the man lying beside her in this bed – which, she could now see, was not hers; she would never be tacky enough to have a deep red comforter – was none other than Jack Kelly.

She had to fight the urge to retch right then and there. She was lying in Jack's bed. She was lying in Jack's bed… with Jack.

_Oh, snap!_

"Jack?" she asked, just to be sure. Her voice came out much like a frog's croak. She wondered if he noticed.

She doubted it – he was staring at her with something akin to odd lust in his eyes. His lips were curled in a coy grin and he was patting the area of the bed right beside him. "Morning, honey."

'_Morning honey.'_ _Oh, don't make me puke. _Rae looked at him, both fright and disgust crossing her face. "Jack. We didn't… you know… _do _anything in this bed? Tell me that we didn't do anything this bed."

Jack looked remorseful. "No, Rae. Unfortunately. Well, at least, not yet."

"Not yet," Rae said, snorting. She was obviously relieved that he did not scare her any further. Her snarky attitude returned at once. "Where the hell is your brain at, Kelly? You don't actually think I'd touch you without a ten foot pole or a thick pair of gloves, do you?"

Jack's features rearranged themselves so that his lips were pouted and his eyes were wide – he had adopted the dreaded 'puppy dog face'. "Rae, darling. Is that anyway to treat your new husband?"

_Husband?_

A thousand thoughts ran throughout her head, ranging from: _Jack has gone insane_ to _ewww, gross. _However, before she could rip into Jack and tear him a new one for lying to her, she glanced down at her left hand.

There was a cheap little wedding band wrapped around her ring finger.

She could not help it. Rae started to scream.

* * *

Mischief Night had been crazy, she knew. She had gone out to celebrate the holiday – she figured, hey, why not? Maybe if she purposely went out to have fun, she might not hate Halloween, right? Well, it sounded good in her head.

It just didn't work out the way that she planned.

There were four of them who went out: Rae, Spot, Stress and Jack. Call it a double date if you will. There was only one problem, though: the night started out with Rae and Spot sitting together, opposite of Jack and Stress. But now?

Rae and Jack were in the same bed – Jack's bed. Jack had announced, in that roundabout way he had, that they were married. There was a cheap band on her ring finger to corroborate his story.

The nausea that Rae felt before was nothing in comparison to the way she felt now. She lay flat on her back, staring at the smoke stained ceiling.

_What the hell happened?_

* * *

And now, now it was Halloween. And she was Mrs. Rae Kelly – alright, since her and Jack had coincidentally shared the same surname, it wasn't a big difference but now they were freaking _married._

"What the hell happened, Jack?" she asked, trying to get an answer to the one question that was on repeat in her mind. _What the hell happened, Jack… what the hell happened… whatthehellhappened…_

Jack shrugged as he sat up – Rae was glad to see that he was fully clothed, at least. But he was not wearing that ratty red bandana he seemed to favor or any of his normal clothing: he was wearing a white tuxedo with a matching bow tie. She did a double take. He looked ridiculous. And creepy.

He was still smiling a strange, almost plastic smile. He had not even stopped when she was screaming; it was like he was a Jack mannequin. Where was the idiot Cowboy she had known and loved to loathe? "I love you. You love me. We got married. Simple, Rae, darling," he said, sounding frighteningly genuine.

Rae's skin was crawling at the way he was talking to her. She was so confused. Up until yesterday, Rae and Jack only tolerated each other because Rae and Stress were friends, and Spot and Jack were friends. But they had never actually _liked _each other – let alone _loved _each other. "You're kidding me. This is a Halloween prank," she said, shaking her fair head. "You know we can't stand each other. You know, I bet this is all Spot's idea. Just cause I don't want to have that Halloween party of his tonight."

Jack scowled. "Spot. Don't mention him around me. I don't like to think about your old boyfriends, Rae."

"What?" Rae could not believe what she was hearing. Spot and Jack were as thick as thieves. Nothing was making sense to her. She climbed out of the bed – she felt a bit better once she was no longer resting on the sheets that Jack normally slept on – and flinched when she saw that she was, indeed, dressed in a white wedding gown. Her grey eyes widened but she chose not to comment on the dress; it was probably a costume.

Rae was not giving up on the idea that this was all just an elaborate joke.

"I thought you liked Spot," she added.

Jack shook his head. "No, Rae. I never liked Spot. I liked _you. _I just had to wait for him to trust me enough that he'd leave you alone around me and then, _presto, _we got married."

"Well, then, what about Stress?" Rae tossed back. The two of them had been together even longer than her and Spot. How could he explain that one?

Jack shrugged. "What about her? She was fun for a bit. Now I'm bored. Have you ever listened to her? Girl talks too much and, you know what? She never talks about anything important. It's nonsense, all the time. Crazy broad."

Rae nodded. Jack did have a point.

_Wait. What am I doing? _She stopped nodding. Instead she placed her hands on her hips. "I don't believe you, Jack. Stop kidding around."

Jack opened his mouth, no doubt to continue in his awkward declarations of love, but he never got the chance – the doorbell rang, cutting him off. His plain brown eyes glowed brightly at the sound. "Company." He flounced out of the bed. "I'll get it."

Rae started at him in disbelief. Maybe it wasn't a joke. She couldn't see Jack Kelly flouncing about like that even if it _was _a joke. Maybe it was a dream instead. She pinched her arm.

"Ow."

It was not a dream.

Jack spun around, one foot out of the bedroom. He had heard Rae cry out and was concerned. "Are you alright, honey?"

_Ugh. You make me sick. Don't call me that, you boob. _"I'm fine. Just go get the door."

Now, the Jack Kelly she knew would have told her to get it herself; this Jack mannequin/clone-type thing (_Maybe he's a pod person? It would explain a lot…_) just nodded. "Sure, Rae, but it's only Spot out there. He can wait a bit."

"Spot?" she said, confused. How did Jack know? Maybe it really _was _a big joke and it was Spot's turn to come in and deliver the punch line. Or she was going nuts. Both options looked equally good right then. "What is he doing here?" Or, despite her failed pinch test, this really was a dream. In that case… _God, if you are up there listening to me, and can spare the time, please let me wake up. I can't face Spot like this – not even in a dream. Oh, and if this is a joke and Spot was in on it? He'll be seeing you soon. With Jack. Amen._

"Well, darling, I invited him over, of course. Don't you think it's a good time to end your relationship with him? I mean, we _are _married now."

Rae, who had been trying hard not to panic (since she was still under the impression that she was either being punk'd, she was dreaming or having an episode), blanched. "No, I don't want to break up with Spot. I love him, you dolt."

"I was afraid you'd feel that way," Jack said apologetically. Shaking his head, he continued to head out of the bedroom. Rae could hear that whoever was at the door – if it was Spot – was now banging loudly. However, before he had disappeared down the hallway, Jack turned back around. "Oh, and one more thing, my dear: please stop praying that this is all a dream. It's not a dream. It's not a joke and, no, you're not crazy. It's getting old, Rae. Just accept it. You love me and married me."

That was it for Rae. If that Cowboy wannabe thought that he could read her mind and get away with it, well, he had another thing coming. But, before she could do or say anything in regards to Jack's last comment, he had returned – with Spot in tow.

Spot shoved Jack aside as he hurried past him and came running into the bedroom. His normally handsome and relaxed features were twisted into a menacing expression; he was furious. Yet, as he barreled into the room, stopping only when his knees collided with the bed – keeping the bed as a buffer between him and Rae – she could see that there was moisture in his eyes. Was it possible that he was _hurt _too?

_Okay. It's not a joke. Just like Jack would never flounce, Spot would _never _cry. Darn it. I guess I am having an episode._

"Rae," Spot growled. "How could you do this to me? If you didn't want to go to the Halloween party tonight, you didn't have to. I mean, was it really necessary to go out and marry Jacky-Boy behind my back?"

Rae was sputtering now – she had no idea what to say to that. No, that wasn't true; she had a lot to say, ranging from _gross, I would never marry him_, to _I can't believe you even think I would sink low enough to do that_, to _I don't hate Halloween _that _much. _It was just quite difficult to get it all out in a coherent statement.

_Okay, maybe _I'm _not the one with the episode. I think everyone else had gone crazy instead!_

Spot held up his hand to cut her off. "No, Rae. Don't talk. I don't want to hear anything you have to say. But you, Jack, I thought we was pals."

Jack, who had been lurking about in the apartment during Spot and Rae's confrontation, took that as his cue to join the (ex)couple back in the bedroom. He entered slowly, an interesting expression splayed out across his face – he looked like the cat that got the canary. He was even more creepy than before.

Rae noticed that something was wrong before Spot did. Though both Rae and Spot had turned to face Jack as he walked down the hallway that led to the bedroom, only Rae seemed to notice that Jack's right hand was behind his back.

He shrugged quite nonchalantly. "We were, Spot. But you had something that I wanted," he explained, jerking his head towards Rae – who began to shake indignantly at being referred to as a 'something' – "so, now, I don't need you. Sorry, Brooklyn."

Spot looked surprised but it did not last. He looked even angrier than before. "No, Jacky, you'll be sorry," he said threateningly.

Normally Rae would have taken the opportunity to interject and say that she could handle herself, that she did not need Spot to fight her battles for her. But, in this case, she was more than happy to let Spot take care of it.

At least, until Jack brought his hand forward – a hand that was holding a gun.

"Bye bye," he said and fired, aiming right between Spot's brilliant eyes.

* * *

Rae screamed.

* * *

Spot died.

* * *

Jack cackled.

* * *

The gun was still in Jack's hand. Rae was not a fool though she was now positive that _someone _had gone crazy – she was equally sure it was the nutjob that had just taken out Spot Conlon. And, as much as she loved Spot, there was nothing she can do for him now. He did not have a head anymore.

She could mourn him later. For now, she had to get out of Jack's apartment. She glanced at Jack, who was curiously looking at his white tuxedo – well, once white; it was now flecked with Spot's blood. "Hmmm," he said, gesturing to the mess with the gun in his hand, "that was messy."

Rae nodded, trying not to provoke him. She looked down at the simply wedding gown she was still wearing. It, too, was speckled with crimson. She tried not to throw up – the shock of everything that was happening had stolen all sort of responses from her but adamant survival – and smiled weakly. "Of course, _dear,_" she said, almost spitting the last word out. That was when she had a stroke of brilliance. "You know what. We're going to go need some laundry detergent for our white clothes. Here, let me go get some." And, with that, she began to run right out of the room.

She made it all the way to the front door of the apartment before she heard Jack respond.

"Alright, darling. Get some milk, too, while you're at the store. I think we're out."

* * *

Rae did not stop running until she made it out onto the streets. They were eerily absent; in fact, she did not see anyone out on the roads at all. She was not surprised that there were no trick-or-treaters out yet – it was still early and they would all still be in school – but where were the grown ups? There was no one. Not even a cop that she could confess her (_gulp_) husband's crime to. Was it a crime to force someone to marry you? Maybe she could get some more time added to Jack's murder sentence when he went to trial.

Her place was not that far from Jack's. She would have run the entire way but, a few blocks away from her home, she saw a person walking in front of her. Rae slowed down, aware how weird she must look wearing a blood-covered wedding gown; she didn't want to frighten that person by running past them like a maniac. But then, she remembered – it was Halloween. If anyone asked, it was her costume. She'd be safe. For now, at least.

The person in front of her was a girl – or so she thought at first. The figure had long, flowing blonde hair, and was wearing a tight miniskirt and a leather bra, studded with rhinestones across the back. However, as she walked past the person, she was surprised that they called out to her.

"Rae. Hey there. Nice dress."

It was a man's voice.

She spun around. The _girl _was Racetrack. And, sadly, it did not really surprise her. "Oh, hey, Race. Nice costume," she retorted, trying to keep her own voice under control. Rae was not sure if she should tell Race about Jack and Spot but then decided against it. For all she knew, Jack might feel the need to go after Race next for knowing about his actions. And she was not about to get him killed, too.

Racetrack looked confused. He looked down at his skimpy clothing. "What costume?"

Rae screamed and started to run again. _Okay, maybe _I _am the one with the episode._

* * *

She did not stop again until she got to her apartment building. However, it was not because she was safely locked inside.

No.

It was because there were two people that stopped her in the lobby of the building – the very _dark _lobby. At first, she felt relief when she recognized them: it was Blink and Mush. Neither one of them could hurt a fly. And they were both wearing regular men's clothing.

"Hi Rae," Blink said, smiling. Mush waved his greeting. "Where's the fire?"

Rae panted. She still did not want to share what had happened so far to her – like anyone would believe her any way – but she felt much better to be around _normal _people. "I was… uh… just exercising. Yeah. Exercising. How are you guys?"

There was a slight stitch in her side just then – running never did suit her – and she bent slightly to her left to relieve the pain. Unfortunately, as she leaned over, she was able to see a pair of feet sticking out from behind a chair in the middle of the lobby. She gulped. _What now?_

Both Blink and Mush saw where her attention had fallen. Mush walked over to the chair and pushed it aside, revealing the crumpled body of Les Jacobs.

Rae gasped out loud. "What the hell happened to Les?" She bent down and looked at his face; the boy was a ghastly pale color and there, on his exposed neck, she could make out two sets of puncture marks. She stood up. _Oh snap. You've got to be kidding me._

"Lunch," Blink said, grinning widely. Even though it was incredibly dark in the lobby (_oh, that's why it's dark…_), she could make out the elongated fangs.

"Good lunch," Mush echoed, his voice almost hissing. "We shared. It was good," he added, stretching his own smile. He had the same fangs as Blink.

Blink took a step closer to Rae. "Rae. Dessert."

"Good dessert," added Mush, following Blink.

Rae froze for a second, staring at the two of them, before running. Strangely enough, she did not head back outside into the sunlight. Instead, she went for the elevator. If she was going to die, she was not going to die in this blasted wedding dress.

"Alright, Rae. We'll be down here, waiting…" she heard Mush call through the elevator door.

She snorted. Of course they would.

* * *

Rae wondered what she would face when she exited the elevator. Would Skittery be there, transformed into a werewolf? Was David really a goblin? Maybe Medda was a witch. Honestly, Rae would not put anything past anyone at this point.

And people wondered why she hated Halloween.

She was lucky, though. She made her way all the way safely into her apartment without running into any other problems. She proceeded to strip out of the tacky and stained wedding gown – vowing to burn it once this whole nightmare (_because it's definitely not a dream_) was done – and changed into a comfy pair of sweatpants. Then, once she was, at least, comfortable, she climbed into her own bed, pulling the covers over her head.

* * *

There was a knock at her door. Rae did not even lift the blanket off of her head. "I told you five times already, Blink. I'm not ready to be your dessert yet. Go away."

"Rae, is that you?"

That definitely was not Blink. Or Mush. It was a girl.

"Stress?"

"Yeah, Rae. Are you alright? I just got off the phone with Jack. He said you fell asleep at his apartment last night and, when you woke up, you ran off screaming. Is everything okay?"

Rae lifted the blanket up and sat up in her bed. "Is that what he told you?" She snorted. "Did he happen to mention that he somehow got me to marry him last night? Or that he killed Spot? Huh, Stress?"

There was a pause. Then… "What? What are you going on about, Rae? Spot's not dead. I just got off the phone with him, too. He was at work – Jack called him first. We're all worried about you. What's wrong?"

_Was it… was it a dream? _"What about Blink? And Mush? Didn't they try to suck your blood?"

Stress laughed; Rae could hear it all the way in her room. "Oh, I get it. You're letting your imagination run away with you again. And you say you don't like Halloween. I never saw the day that Rae Kelly would get into the holiday spirit."

Rae was confused. Was that all it was?

"Here, Rae. Let me in. I think some of your neighbors are going to beat me for yelling it up out here. I promise, there are not vampires or anything out here."

Rae sighed, feeling incredibly foolish. She slid out of her bed and calmly walked over to the front door. Just to be on the safe side, though, she looked out her peephole: she could see Stress standing there, looking (for all intents and purposes) normal. There was no weird clothing, no vacant expressions, no blood, no bite marks. "Alright," she agreed and opened the door.

Stress laughed again as she entered the apartment. "Are you sure that you're okay, Rae?" she asked as she shut the door behind herself.

Rae turned around, not wanting Stress to see that she was blushing; she really felt like an idiot. Just what had she been doing that night before to believe that a dream was true? "Yeah, I'm fine. It was such a weird dream, though…" she said as she turned to face Stress.

And found a huge butcher's knife right in her face. "It wasn't a dream, Rae," Stress said, raising the knife high up in the air. "Come now, Rae. You didn't think I was going to let you marry Jack on me, did you?"

Rae screamed. Again. It was actually getting quite repetitive. At least she knew she wasn't crazy now, though. She left that one up to Stress.

* * *

Rae woke up with a start. She might have even shrieked – she wasn't sure. Either way, she was breathing heavily.

The hair on the back of her neck was standing up. There was a slick sheen of cool sweat covering her forehead. She was even trembling.

The images from her dream (_Was it a dream? Please, God, let it have been a dream…_) were still running through her head. She had married Jack – of her own free will? Jack killed Spot? Racetrack liked to dress like a half-naked biker chick? Mush and Blink were vampires? Stress chased her with a knife?

No wonder she hated Halloween. It gave her such wicked nightmares.

_Wait._

Rae's grey eyes glanced around the room. This was _not _her bedroom. This was the bedroom she had woken up in when she was married to Jack – this was _Jack's _bedroom. The same red comforter. The same western-style pictures covering his white walls. The smoke-stained ceiling.

Rae started to scream.

It had not been a dream after all.

* * *

At the sound of her desperate yell, Jack came rushing into his bedroom. He had obviously just been in the shower – there was a towel hanging around his waist though the rest of his wet and naked torso was visible. His sandy hair was plastered against his head – there was even a bit of shampoo still in his hair – and there was a toothbrush in his hand.

"Rae, are you alright?"

Rae took one look at Jack, half-naked as he was, and fainted, falling back into the bed.

Jack raised his eyebrow as he watched her close her eyes and fall back asleep. "That was weird."

"What was weird?"

Jack turned around. Stress, her curly hair flattened from a night sleeping with Jack on his pull out couch, was yawning as she followed him into his room. She looked as if she had just been woken up out of a deep sleep. Considering that she had still been snoring when Jack went to take a shower, he figured that Rae's screams must have woken her up.

He shook his head. "I don't know. I guess that Rae's hangover got the better of her – even after we gave up the comfy bed so that she would feel better when she woke up. But she started to scream for some reason." He shrugged. "Her head must be hurting or something so she went back to sleep. You think we should call Spot to come get her?"

"Nah," Stress said, resting her hands on Jack's wet shoulders. "Imagine what Spot would think if he found out that Rae slept in your bed because we let her get piss drunk and she couldn't make it back home."

Jack laughed. "Hey. It's Spot's fault. He should have known better than to tell Rae that he needed to head back early to their place to set up for Halloween and left her at the restaurant with us." He paused before leaving the room and heading back to finish his shower. "Isn't it crazy that Spot loves Halloween so much?"

"Yeah," Stress agreed, following him out, leaving Rae to sleep. "Especially since everyone knows how much Rae hates Halloween."


End file.
